| what have you done today... |
[11 Feb 2007|02:34am] |
just watched some sf homecam videos.
man, do i miss the kids we met there. ab, beck, andrea, j2, trevor, jake......
i can't wait for next year.
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| blink |
[10 Jan 2007|12:38am] |
if we're fucked up they're to blame, right?
maybe so. maybe not.
but it's always been us versus them. before it was me versus everyone. before it became the other variations and versions of us versus them. (i might've lived well with the beta version.) (i don't know what i'm saying; that would be right.) contrast and conflict... i've held for awhile now that they drive the social being. difference into differentiation into dichotomy into delusioned stability. self and other; i as gothic monster, anti-hero, stillborn twin. how many essays have i written? it's my goddamned favorite topic. but of course the mirror is never for us to look into ourselves. all about audience. the social being and the social montage. i wish putting connectors, 'and's, between single images would project everything i mean the way i actually mean them. drawing out the process and the conclusions seems so alienating. like there's a vital bit i'm bound to miss or muddle. i wish we were all soul readers. so everything comes out clear. and you feel it for yourself. you feel what i mean. that would be absolutely terrific.
for now, i just wish you could know my tone.
if you're not doing anything wrong, why lie about it? do you feel guilty, my brother? and if you do, what are you guilty of? keeping her safe?
safe or happy? i always wonder which i value more for myself. would i rather be safe and dying or sorry and happy? it's not all that easy to figure out.
would i tell you all the things you don't want to know? not of your own flesh but of the flesh that means more to you than your own?
sometimes i can't decide whether my selfishness extends beyond my self. whether there are those around me who are more of myself than i.
would i die for you? would i die for you still?
not to escape but to give all that i have. my love, my blood. are you to bear it all upon those shoulders i have cried on, laughed on? don't you forget about me, young jedi. i'll die in episode one but you'll inherit my burden.
i would die for any one of you. and i mean it until that time comes.
i always thought i'd leave because of one of them. now they're the reasons i want to stay. us versus them. i should have never invited it in.
......................
These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be
Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms
Through these fields of destruction
Baptism of fire
I've watched all your suffering
As the battles raged higher
And though they did hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms
There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones
Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die
But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms
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| bon voyage. |
[06 Jan 2007|04:55pm] |
another year with you, and i'm the happiest motherfuckin' camper i know. it's funny how i haven't written in ages. so little needs to be spoken between the both of us that something inside has gotten lazy... why bother, right? (i'd rather be eating. you. =) it feels like a jagged jaw.. clenched and biting. lut's literature. i don't know why i'm trying.
i waited so long for the year when i'm twenty-two. it's the proverbial age. the catch, the hill, the spin... i foresaw the wilderness, you know? the panic bottle and dependable impending morning after. instead we just got wild together. woke up together. it always feels foreign and forgotten... on those rare mornings a week when i wake up and have to remind myself to brush my teeth. =) i always knew you were the perfect disaster, heartache like champagne, waiting to erupt for the celebration when it all goes wrong again. the new year and an emptied glass. i drink you down like a taste i never tune out of. i'm out of sync but you're waiting. and i'm waiting with you. i don't know what i'm saying... jagged jaw... reflex and reflection. it's uncanny how all the words can come accompanied. misused or uninvited... i don't know.
my hair got cut by me. damn me. i can see clearly now the fringe is gone. =)
what have we done this year to make us feel proud?
brokeback and the unconditional... discomfort and daydream with little parts of us in me on an all too long and all too short cab ride to your grandmother's place... we had the planning, so excited so enraptured... the airport where everything became certain. we're going off someplace... off someplace somewhere somehow... soonsoon. we fed off mirrors and out plastic bullets. like an infant's powdered milk we took it in straight, suckled from the breast. how much weight did we both lose in that month? diet corona, pixie stix, frozen lemonade, italian ice, tamales that i wouldn't touch, fucking buffalo wings all the damn time... snow white and the seven inch dwarf. you said blow and i blew.
the way you gripped onto my arm that day from the park. the way you slept away our mornings.. the daylit ones...
god, we screwed up so good.
and motherfucking pearl jam. christ. i lived a lifetime this year.
so we're in a rush now.
remember the big comedown? the moment the plane landed we wiped our noses and wanted more.
i couldn't stop crying for weeks after. i couldn't have loved you more. (sometimes before i sleep i keep my finger on your wrist between my ear and my limbs i know your heart beats life and love and passion and words before language was first said.)
one more year ahead of us. our calendars are unscheduled. events unplanned. what to do what to do?
maybe i'll waste more time with you.
=)
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| a is for you |
[07 Aug 2006|09:50pm] |
is it possible to forget how to write? like forgetting which hand grips the pencil best, or forgetting how to think... it seems like the distances between my last written word and the next stretch on strangely. i'm amused by the lamest of alliterations and that lies as proof of this little block.
i haven't spoken to myself since that night. when i wouldn't shut up and she needed me to sleep. when i'm having affairs with the bullet and its powder that isn't black and goddamned and made cliched.
i miss me sometimes. it's weird. i don't think i've been speaking enough over the last month plus. and i'm me when i'm jabbering nonstop.
three years tomorrow.
how did we dance this song for so long? i can't imagine or recall the each individual days. just a clutter of memories that link up and blur onto each other and overlap and... disembodied. the word fits with what i mean to say, but i'm not sure how. i'm not sure if i'm making any sense at all. this is what happens when i spend days at home. i sit at the computer, trading one screen for another. the sims2, age of mythology, button work.
i couldn't find my art supplies to make you your card, love.
that's what i mean to say.
three years and i have all these things inside me... but nothing at all to hand you.
i want to say it'll just be late, but you know me better than that.
we're so perfectly comfortable. i leave you with my mom to get lost in ikea. i leave you to your game of sims.. in the same room with my father. you meet my cousin after work. my grandmother adores you and fusses about you and it's so goddamn cute.
the 8th of each month used to tickle me. every month i'd announce the significance of the day.
now i realize that there are way too many 8ths in store for us to keep track of. especially with my memory.
i love you.
and happy anniversary, sweetheart.
=)
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| blame it all on fevers and mirrors. and bright eyes. duh. |
[10 Jun 2006|06:11am] |
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sorry, love
that i've been so mournful
this life, so sick with meaning and our reasonings for things we cannot know
ever comprehend
so close to life we can't help but want to die
about to fly with no place real to land
but we've got plans
love, i've been so mournful
so full of hope and desperation
but love, we've got just this much to go
and go on
so let's leave already. =)
this song keeps saying it better.
why deny
all the troubles when combined
with the missing links
it don't feel like
home now...
that you're gone
all the troubles
suddenly explained infinitum
you're always wishing and
never here at home.
you
all the dreams we shared and
lights we turned on
but the house is getting dark
and i don't want to know your past
but together share the dawn
and i won't need
nothing else
'cuz when we're dead
we would've had it all.
and died
i would've fallen from the sky
till you
parachutes have opened now.
heaven knows if there's a ceiling
come so low with the kneeling
please know that
i got
all the feelings i'm needing
before my light goes out
as the doors are closing now
and far away will be my home
and to grasp this, i don't know
and i don't need.
further back and forth
a wave will break on me
and love... wish the world could go again with love
one can't seem to have enough
and war... break the sky and tell me what it's for
and love.. what a different life
had i not found this love with you.
(it has always been and it always will be you.)
- parachutes, pearl jam
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| whoa. my little cd is coming to be. |
[20 May 2006|05:47am] |
It's close to six in the morning... I've been recording since midnight, but it's really working out for me tonight. The hours I've put in before tonight have been insane, and with nothing satisfactory enough to show for it. I'm so so tired. This is hard work. Really, it is.
We're calling the cd "a little lean and you learn", and it's gonna' have ten tracks of spoken word, two fillers, and a bonus track that has my cousin adding in a refreshing twist. It was supposed to have five tracks... I don't know how it got so long....
It'll be great. =)
At least for home-recorded-wee-hours-of-the-morning work.
So goddammit, get it already.
Okay, not yet. But soon.
Once I have the first cd packaged, I'll take photos of their little existence, and you can help me out. Get a cd, then tell me what you think.
$5 a pop, for pre-orders at least. Shipping is free.
I like to think that the packaging alone is worth it. 'Cuz it's handmade and pretty. And pretty things are nice to have.
AND MY QUEER OPEN MIC GIG IS CONFIRMED!!!
San Francisco, July 14th, 2006.
I'm a 'featured artist'... and that makes me giggle. =)
Anyways, I've put up a not-too-perfect recording on myspace... 'cuz I'm anxious like that... Check it out, maybe, and let me know if you're interested in hearing more.
I'm caught up in the "what if it sucks? what if I suck?" mode of things right now... =)
http://www.myspace.com/whatwerenamed
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| keep your children at home. where they're safe from consentual or abused incest. |
[16 Nov 2005|12:23am] |
okay. i've had my share of stalkers. i've stalked my share of teachers.
i've followed cars, i've been chased by girls and flashing cameras, i've stolen hair strands, i've been afraid to get off the public transport.
nothing has prepared me for this.
"yes chrystal i fucking adore you and i wish i could rub ur boxers against my creaming vagina."
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| ever wanted to make out with me? |
[12 Oct 2005|12:05am] |
haha...
well, if for some unknown weird fluke you have, here's your chance.
alison's doing a photography project regarding some queer/gender issues and we're looking for girls/boys/everyone-else to get in front of the camera with me. some of it is gonna' be clean, some of it might get a little dirty... some of it's gonna' be anonymous... whatever the case, it's up to your comfort levels and there's no commitment or anything...
oh, and experience isn't needed. =)
if you're interested, please email me at tickle.chrystal.emo@gmail.com or leave a comment.
(all comments will be screened.)
ps. this is currently for kids living in singapore. if you're in the u.s., we'll be in san fransisco next summer and we'll see how it goes.. =)
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| things are getting risque-er. |
[25 Sep 2005|07:13pm] |
i am the silent lj-er formerly known as ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) thiscryforhelp.
this journal needs to be screened. so i'm screening it.
ages 18 and above.
friends-only. by invitation or request.
thanks. ;)
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